March 2023 Life Update
Howdy, hope I didn't tease a life update for too long, I finally got around to it.
I guess this should cover since january since the new years update, but honestly there isn't going to be too much of a format with this.
Currently I'm on an work term in university, so I currently have a job doing some cybersecurity stuff. Mostly I'm making VMs and webservers. I honestly love the place I'm working, it's exactly what I was looking for, and everyone there is nice to work with.
I can't say I'm that good of an employee there. I barely do much work and I'm slow at what I do. I feel like a waste of their resources, but for now they seem to be fine with what I'm doing, though I'm not sure if my contract is gonna be renewed. They are exremely accomidating, which is very kind of them, but it feels like I'm taking advantage of them when I'm having issues, or have an appointment, or just can't seem to work for some reason. I do really like working with the owners and just chatting with people, I'm just scared. if you're reading this, thank you, so so much.
What else am I up to. Not much honestly. I've been trying to learn some base guitar, which is fun! I'm not in any way good at it but it's entertaining.
There's maintaining this website, which I don't do too much, but I enjoy it. I bought a domain name, which is pretty cool, though now there's a lot of people visiting my site for some reason???? I feel like it's gotta be webcrawlers or something, though if it's people, thank you for visiting!
I was thinking of doing some cybersecurity CTF writeups, but I kind of fell off doing those. When it comes to tech stuff I get interested in things then lose interest then gain interest again. Maybe I'll get back into them sometime.
I'm also kind of getting into UAV stuff, like fixed wing drones and whatnot. I don't really have the space to work with them, but it would be really fun to get into FPV stuff and long range autonomous flight.
Honestly, most of everything else is just sitting at my computer or sleeping. I don't really go out with friends much, even though I really enjoy doing so. Idk, i'm not doing anything too interesting unfortunately, at least to me.
About transition, it's been going both good and bad. Everyone I've told has been supportive, and basically just treated me like a human. Still not out to my parents, but I'm getting close to it I think. I'm at 6 months on HRT, which is some sort of milestone, right? My boobs are kinda noticeable now, which is fun! I haven't really gotten used to going out dressed more fem, but when I do go out, it usually goes well. I don't pass, by any means, but I feel like I've gotten a bit more happy with how I look.
I don't really think it's been going to well in terms of socializing with any part of the community. I'm very reserved and honestly don't know how to talk to people. I joined a discord I absolutely love reading through, but I rarely ever send a message. I'm scared of doing anything IRL. I probably put too much thought into it, but I don't know how not to.
A major part of transition is self acceptance, which is certainly some I struggle with. It's hard to love yourself, or even like yourself, if you've been hating yourself for a while. You kind of just need to start thinking more kindly to yourself until you start not hating yourself. I've barely started to think kindly about myself, but I recognize it, and that in of itself is a good step.
Alright now how's me. How am I? Internally, not what I'm doing, but the state of my wellbeing.
I'm not doing well.
For a while I would have severe anxiety episodes, with kind of a backing of depression. Many things could be the cause, honestly it could be hrt letting me feel emotions again and whoops, my emotions aren't good very often, but that's just a guess. So we started an escitalopram, which is kind of both an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I got that in december I think. It didn't really do much, but maybe it did and I didn't notice. I still had episodes while on it, at a regular rate, (which could have been cause by alcohol abuse, but whoops). Eventually we decided to try a different antidepressant, which is sertraline. I also cut alcohol out, which was kind of difficult but I think i'm managing. My mood started to stabalize over a couple weeks, but, it feels wrong. It's kinda just dull and tired and feels fake. It feels like before I started HRT, which isn't good. I'm not sure if I prefer it over the episodes, because at least those kind of felt real, and crying it out feels better than just sitting here marinating.
My issues are all I really think about these days. It makes socializing even harder since all I have to talk about is transition and issues, so I kind of just become a broken record and not that great to talk to. At least I can recognize it, I guess. I'm doing my best to talk about other things, but it's a slow process.
I think that after having mental issues for so long, you start to become attatched to them in a way. Change is scary and this state is good enough, right? Your brain makes you want to be sad, or unwell. There were/are days that I still self-sabatoge because I don't want to get better. Or at least, that's what my brain has gotten used to. Consciously I want to get better, I want to work through this, I want to become a person who loves herself, and love her friends as well. Fighting your own brain is tough. A lot of days it feels like I'm in the passenger seat in my own head, but being a passenger still allows you to influence the driver. You have to influence the driver to stop taking the worst road imagineable. If you have the energy to even think, just a little, consciously, think kind thoughts. On the days you can barely even keep yourself alive, don't blame it on yourself. It happens. You also need to recognize it's not your friends job to take care of you. They can help you!!! My friends help me a lot, by even just being my friends!!! But recognize they don't have to deal with your shit if they don't want to.
I'm not great at being a person, but things are slowly getting better. I'm slowly regaining joy from things I used to enjoy. My transition is progressing. I am trying, when I have the energy and ability, to love myself. I sound really down but hopeful in this post, most of the time it's difficult to even muster the energy to be hopeful, but it's getting easier, I think.
Oh, I've also been reading a bit. Gideon the Ninth is really good!! Absolutely love how it's written. Also been reading Otherside Picnic, which is by far the thing i've been kind of obsessed with when I can be. There's also Dungeon Meshi, a manga that's kind of been torturing me because it's so good yet hurts so much. Oh, and a bunch of manga I've read to kind of yearn, like Hello Melancholic! It's so fun and cool and fun and aaah. Oh, also was watching Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury, which I can highly reccommend, along with Bocchi the rock!
So, future plans I guess. I have my work contract till sometime in April, which means I still have a month to find a backup job, if I'm able to. I'm not entirely sure I want to stay in Uni, but guess we'll see. I hope I get to keep my contract though! They're so nice! I'm also trying to start progesterone soon as well! I may come out to my parents probably within the next 2-3 months, which is a large range, but I need to have the emotional energy to keep up with it. Hopefully as I work on myself, over time I'll become more energetic and joyful!! I want to enjoy my time with my friends!! And Hang out with them!! And help them like they help me!! I don't really have any plans for my future, but I want to love myself and others so so so much! I may also get some fun projects, which you can possibly expect to see on this site more! We'll see!
Thanks for reading this thing from a random stanger on the internet, It does actually mean a lot that poeple do read this, because it means that somewhere, on this planet, someone is getting some sort of thing out of me!
Learn to recognize to love yourself =3,
-Evelyne (potential rebrand may be upcoming!)