HRT Update #8
Hi! Sorry I missed last months update. I was (and still am) going through some things, but I can update you now!
Alright, any updates?
No.
Basically nothing has changed since the last time I mentioned changes. Nothing whatsoever, at least that's noticeable.
This is, of course, not great feeling for me. I am also now at risk of an eating disorder. There's not much that can be done for this, so I deal with it, but it hurts.
I've tried getting laser for my facial hair. There has been almost no change. My face, at the very least, has slightly notioceabley healthier skin, though this isn't due to hrt, mostly me actually trying to take care of it.
I was unable to get progesterone due to the mental health issues. I'm not sure if progesterone would do anything, as there's no proof, but I truly believe just having access to it, may help my mental health. If it doesn't do anything for me, I don't need to take it, but it would be lovely to learn if it would help me.
What do I intend to change about my hrt? I can't change anything. My blood tests show that if anything, my estradiol levels are higher than desired, and my testosterone is nearly none. This should mean, that I'll see changes. I have seen very few. Unless I have an extremely rare disorder, making my estradiol receptors less sensitive, than this means that I just need to wait, and try to make my own changes that I can. But it's very hard to do any change, if you are not mentally well. Can you see how this loops?
I've been able to get out of where I was last month, and where I was 2 months before that, and 2 months before that. I fully expect to hit another episode at some point, not neccessarily in 2 months. What am I supposed to do, if any lifestyle changes that may help are out of my reach at this time?
Has there been any good updates, just generally? Yes, there has! I'm out to my parents, and they are supportive. I have a new job that pays well. There has been progress on trying to get screened for ADHD. My friends are kind to me. I am grateful for all of this. It's keeping me alive.
I want to feel happy for having the priviledge that allows these things to be true. I just want to feel happy in general. I can't, no matter how hard I try, feel happy about where I'm at in life. I can recognize it can be worse, so much worse. I only have so much control over my emotions.
I am surviving, and I can function well enough to do so. I can still experience positive emotions, and I can still "have fun". I am in a stable state where nothing gets better, but nothing gets worse. I am, what feels like permenantly, in a position of just being "alright i guess".
I just want to be able to be happy with myself. I want to be able to be myself while I live. I am holding together my pieces while I can, and I hope I can do so until I can help myself in other ways.
HRT isn't a scam, but it's a waiting game and a lottery. Even with my dissatisfaction, it is helping keep me alive. I am incredibly grateful for my doctor who continues to help keep me alive, and my friends and family that are also helping keep me alive. Progress is happening.
Stay alive if you are able, and I hope you are or become able.
-Evelyne.